It's another icy day in Texas, Addie's taking a nap, laundry is going and here's what's on my mind. The reflection and subject of parenting has been heavily weighted on my mind today. My Dad recently told me that he thought we were doing an awesome job as parents. This means so much to me because if you know me then you know how much I value the relationship I have with my Dad. I respect his opinion and now (more than ever) appreciate every long life lesson he’s ever taught me. Of course when I was younger I would roll my eyes at him and he would tell me that one day when I’m older I would appreciate his advice. Now, it all clicks. I am older and as a parent myself, it’s still nice to hear praise and a good job from him especially when it comes to being a parent.
But this got me thinking… what is the definition of being a “good parent”?
Another thing you all know about me is that I’m absolutely obsessed with Oprah. This is the one show I record and watch religiously. No, I don’t always agree with her views on politics, spirituality, etc. and I do skip over episodes here and there but for the most part I enjoy her show. To me her show is informative, interesting, inspiring, and sometimes I even find myself in tears listening to other people’s life experiences. Her show has also opened my mind to new ideas and views of what’s going on in the world and it keeps fresh topics on my mind. I know, I know this sounds a little cheesy but that’s me! This morning, I watched a recorded episode from yesterday and the topic was on Obese Teenagers. Did you know that right now, obesity is more of a health threat in American teenagers then smoking, drugs, and/or alcohol is? This is actually the first generation that might not outlive their parents. How sad. The first thought that went through my head was… what in the world are these parents doing? Seriously? I can’t imagine my own 14 year old daughter weighing 200 pounds or my 16 year old weighing 365 pounds. I understand there could be health issues and lots of other factors contributing to obesity in these teenagers and I’m not judging and blaming the parents entirely but it starts with Mommy and Daddy. It’s one thing to be an adult and overweight, that’s your lifestyle and choice but it’s another for this to be an everyday struggle for your own child that is your responsibility. It starts at the dinner table. It starts with how you influence your children mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I know I have never struggled with my own weight (knock on wood… don’t want to start now) and that I’m certainly not on Dr. Oz’s Live Your Best Life Diet eating the healthiest food. Watching this episode also made me think about my own parenting style and what I know I don’t want to do as parent. Clearly, these issues went way beyond junk food.
This brings me back to thinking about good parenting and what’s most important to me. Addison is now 3 and I’m learning and exploring my own parenting style everyday. I’m also just a few weeks away from meeting my second daughter and couldn’t be more thrilled. I am a little nervous which I think is a natural feeling but are you ever really fully prepared to be a parent? It’s not like there’s a set instruction manual on what to do and what not to do. You can read all of the books, take advice from everyone who will give it, and research / implement a million different methods but at the end of the day, these resources don’t define you as a parent and you will leave you will mold your own child. I believe that being a parent is the most difficult and most rewarding job I will ever have. It’s not always easy and I haven’t met anyone that thinks they’re perfect at the job. The bigger picture is that the lives of two little girls are 100% our responsibility for as long as we live on this earth.
Here’s a basic list I created of what is important to me as a Mom, I’m speaking for myself since it’s my list. Mark and I do have very similar views and always try to be on the same page but every once in a while we do disagree on how things should go. In those cases we normally try to work it out and meet in the middle. We try to be united and put our marriage first since it’s the foundation of our family. Here we go…
- My Marriage: It’s easy for everything to be all about the kiddos but you can’t forget about your marriage. It’s important to make time for Mark and I to keep our relationship young and fresh as it should be. (Not to go into too much detail there…)
- Needs vs. Wants: I don’t put my selfish wants before Addison’s needs. Not to get that confused with not making time for myself at all. I still think it’s important to take care of yourself by reading, writing, working out, or doing whatever it is that keeps you balanced and in tune.
- Being United: Addison has already learned that if Mommy says no there’s a chance (probably a good one) that Daddy might say yes. It’s important for us to be united and always on the same page. I know when I was younger this was very easy for me to take advantage of having divorced parents so hopefully I’ll be able to always see one step ahead on this one.
- Teaching Responsibility: I’m sure you’ve heard this quote before: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life." – Chinese Proverb. This quote means a lot to me when it comes to teaching responsibility and the tools needed to survive in the real world. If I were to do everything for Addison all the time how would she ever learn to do things for herself? 3 is the perfect age to introduce responsibility and helping with household chores. I’m her Mom not her housekeeper. I want her to take care of her belongings and value the money earned to buy them. She loves helping around the house so we try to make it fun and one day I hope it pays off and she’ll be independent enough to clean her own room!
- Family Time: Mark and I make it a point to do things as a family and turn off all noise and technology that might interfere with our time together at home. You’d be amazed at the valuable time you can spend together playing Candy Land with the T.V. off and no other interruptions.
- Structure: Children understand the structure of a set schedule. Addison sometimes gets confused on what days she goes to school but for the most part she can always predict that after dinner, she gets a bath and can then pick out a story to read.
- Unconditional Love: I love Addison and Lillian (even though I can only feel her kicking inside) unconditionally. I can say this from the bottom of my heart. In this day and age, I think it’s important to stop and think about what this means. Loving unconditionally means not making your love conditional and loving them for who they are no matter what. I don’t think you should ever make your children only feel loved because they’re a superstar soccer player or because they were voted smartest or most beautiful in class.
- Picking my Battles: This is something I am challenged with almost daily. If Addison asks to wear her princess dress to bed and I have her pajamas ready to go, I have a choice. Do I put my foot down and make her wear the pajamas “because I said so..”? NO! I have decided this is one of those battles in the grand scheme of life I will overlook, if she asks me nicely if she can wear her princess dress to bed and in her world that’s fun then okay. A battle worth fighting is when she shows an attitude, throws a fit, hits, kicks, etc. I have to ask myself if it’s something that is actually an important lesson or is she just being a kid. I also think it’s good to just let her be her. On the flip side "Because I said so" Is a whole other subject!
- A Promise is a Promise: I think it’s important to keep your word. If I tell Addison we’re going to do something then I need to be prepared to deliver. You wouldn’t believe it, but if I told her we’re going to go to the zoo next week she would talk about it for the next 7 days in a row. Same goes for discipline, if I threaten or give a warning for time-out and never do anything to back it up, what message is that sending? If I give an inch she’ll take a mile, even at age 3.
- I say “I Love You” as much as I can!
- A family that plays together stays together: This is one of my husband’s favorites!
- Support: My Dad would always tell me and still actually does tell me I could be a Senator if I want to. This is an analogy for him supporting me in whatever it is I want to do and that I can do anything I put my mind to. This is one of the most valuable foundations my Dad has given me. It always made me feel good to know that I had his support and that my life was my story to write. I want to give the same support and encouragement to my kids.
- Balance: Don’t have TBD (That’s what I call Too Busy Disorder). I always want my children to know that there is nothing more important to me then them. It’s sometimes easy to get caught up in adult world and to bring work home. There have been many days I have also let other people’s moods or stress of work load cause me to come home and be in a bad mood. This is a mistake. When I’m at home I want to be fully engaged with what’s going on in that moment. I think creating a balance in your life is very important.
- Slowing Down: Being in a rush can cause me to overlook those little precious little moments I know I will one day miss. Even if I’m in a hurry I still have to stay focused on Addison and not live in adult la la land checking my e-mail on my phone while driving and not paying attention to her.
- Education: Addison attends pre-school 2 days per week. At my first parent / teacher conference I asked her teacher what I could do at home to help implement skills they’re learning in school. Her response was “Nothing” she said that Addison worked really hard in school and that she should be allowed to be a kid at home. Well, while I’m proud that Addison works really hard at school, I happen to disagree with her response. I’m not going to rely on teachers to educate my children. I like to make education and learning at home fun. I can’t imagine completely relying on the school system to teach her to read, write, etc. This is just as much our responsibility as parents.
- Outside the Box: I don’t think kids should live in a bubble. It’s important for your kids to explore and be exposed to new things. Mark and I are working on a new list of fun things to do and places we would like to take Addison and Lilly. We’re going to put this list on the fridge so we don’t forget anything. These memories make childhood and will open their minds to new ideas.
- Technology: I don’t believe technology should be your babysitter or that children should only see the world through the T.V. We already have rules set on how much T.V. Addison can watch. She’ll watch as much as we allow her to and I know it will only get worse as she gets older and technology advances.
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Church and Religious Values: Despite Mark and I being raised with different church backgrounds we’re on the same page about how we want our kids to be raised and it’s up to us to set an example of this.
- Health: Having good health insurance through the military brings me such comfort in case anyone is sick or in the case of an accident. Going to all scheduled wellness appointments for appropriate shots, and teaching good hygiene will help develop good habits for healthy living.
- Money: I want to teach my kids how to be smart with money and want them to understand the basics of how much it costs to run a household, money doesn’t grow on trees, savings, giving, investments, and that unfortunately it can bring out an ugly side of people.
- Confidence: Being a young parent, it was very easy for me to look around and compare myself to other parents. “Keeping up with the Joneses” will get you no where in parenting! I have learned to be confident in my own beliefs and what I stand for as a parent. Think about it, write it down and share it with others. Be open but don't let anyone else make you feel like you should be second guess yourself. It’s your kid… not theirs!
- Being a Mom vs. Friend: I know that my kids won’t like me sometimes but it's not the end of the world. I’m not here to be “best friends” with my daughters. As they grow to be adults I do hope our relationship blossoms into a mother daughter friendship but for now I’m Mom. Not that I’m all business but I just don’t think you can have your cake and eat it to. You can’t try to be strict and then also want to be the “cool” Mom that everyone goes to when they want to drink at your house. There are boundaries that need to be set from day 1.
- Look in the mirror: What did my child learn from me today? Did I set a good example? Am I living by what I want to teach? I think it’s important to constantly have self awareness. I ask myself if I think I’m doing a good job everyday.
- Negativity: Even the smallest of children can sense stress and negativity in any situation. As a side note, I disagree with bad language at home.
- Bribes: I don’t like bribes but I think giving gold stars a.k.a. words of affirmation are magical.
- Listen: I want my children to have their own voice and freedom to express themselves even if it’s not what I want to hear. This will require me to be patient and open minded and I will do it out of love. When it's my turn to talk, I want to talk to my kids not at them.
- Relationships: I want my girls to value true friendships and to know that relationships are more important than popularity and what everyone else thinks of you.
- Eating habits: This is something I know I need to work on myself but for starters planning healthy meals for the week, eating before 7:00 at the dinner table together is important.
- Sleep: It’s important for kiddos to get the required amount of sleep for their age. Look up how much sleep your kids should have per night, you might be surprised.
- Being silly is FUN: Sometimes you have to break your own rules and let your own inner child come out!
I know this list is long (I even left some stuff off) and will get even longer as Addison and Lillian grow up but for now I have outlined the basics of what is important to me. One day they’ll both grow up and we’ll have to push them out of the nest and when that day comes, I want them to fly off with strong wings and be confident that I did the best job I could possibly do as their Mom. Isn’t that what every parent wants?
What is most important to you as a parent?
